Now Showing: WHITE FRIENDS

“We have a lack of black friends problem in this country.”

Blacktress is watching her favorite Sunday night TV shows, (all of which she hopes to appear on one day) when suddenly it hits her, that not one of these shows has ever featured a blacktress in a major or recurring role.  I hate America, she thinks.   Ordinarily she might call Nirvana to complain about this.  But just that morning the girls agreed to begin The 21 day No Complaining Challenge, recommended by Oprah.com.   So she calls Iyanla instead.

 

Now Showing: THE CONVERT

“You drank the Kool-Aid. Wait, what’s vegan for Kool-Aid? Tree sap? Well you drank the tree sap.”

Blacktress and her friend Iyanla are walking out of the Kirk Douglas Theater in Culver City after just taking in a matinee performance of a play:  The Convert, about a young girl in colonial Africa who falls hook line and sinker for Jesus and abandons her African culture for Christianity and Western ideals.

Spoiler alert:  The whole thing ends in a bloody mess.

“Damn that chick really drank the Kool-Aid didn’t she?”  Iyanla says lighting the American Spirit she bummed from a sort of cute guy standing on the corner.

Iyanla doesn’t normally smoke, but after three plus hours in the theater, the girls have gobbled up every near -edible thing in the bottom of their purses and she’s desperate for anything that might keep hunger pains at bay.

“I know.  Assimilation is a motherfucker.”  Blacktress says, “Now please let’s eat.”

 

ATTN ARTISTS: MUST WATCH VIDEO!!

I used to be depressed until I came to Italy to eat gelato.

Never much cared for the movie Eat, Pray, Love:   Well- off, white woman is unhappy.  She feels unfulfilled by life and by her handsome husband who just loves her too much or something; so she curls up on the bathroom floor and cries about it.   In hopes of curing her angst and lack of fulfillment, she flees to India to meditate with monks, drinks wine as a complement to pizza in Italy and screws Javier Bardiem in Bali.  Not so surprisingly, by the end of the flick she perks the fuck up.  Duh.  Is this fix- your- life trip available for people with real problems?  I’m sure there’s a non white woman living in the Bronx with three kids, three jobs and a cancer diagnosis who  would love to drop it all to seek enlightenment  in an Indonesian love nest.  Instead she’s smashed between two assholes on the 6 train.  What then?  Maybe before the credits rolled they should have given a few tips for getting your spirituality on– on a budget.   BUT, maybe the movie dumbed everything down and I should have just read the BOOK.   Because author of the Eat, Pray, Love (the book)  Elizabeth Gilbert seems to be much more complex and down to earth than the movie based on her might suggest.  Check out her talk  on nurturing creativity.  It’s a must see for ARTISTS.  Peace and Love–  Blacktress World

P.S.  And btw if  anyone  out there is actually looking for tips for getting their spirituality on– on a budget, here’s one:  Be grateful.  There’s a gift in everything.

VIDEO AFTER THE BREAK.

 

Grapevine: MELANIN on TELEVISION

If you haven’t been watching Kerry Washington on ABC’s Scandal, slap yourself.  Not only are you missing some good TV but you’re also skipping the opportunity to support the first network TV show to star an African American woman since Nixon was president. (Shout out to Diahann Carroll who starred in Julia on NBC from 1968-71)

Last week’s episode The Trail, was by far the best yet.   The electric chemistry between Olivia Pope (Washington’s character) and President Grant (Tony Goldwyn), managed to not only make the creepy, asshole guy from Ghost sexy again but also cemented the show’s status as the can’t -miss drama on ABC.   We haven’t seen a Black woman this smart, sexy, flawed and fast talking on TV before and we won’t again unless we watch.   With a season shorter than a Chinese gymnast (only 7 episodes) Shonda Rhimes (creator) had to make every episode count.  And she did!  Tune in TOMORROW for THE SEASON FINALE.  If you need to ketchup, the entire series is online at hulu.com and abc.com.  Don’t sleep.

Things get heated between Olivia Pope and the President but not at all in a tawdry Bill Clinton with a nasty cigar kind of way.

CLICK MORE to watch the SEASON FINALE promo and Kerry on THE VIEW.

 

Grapevine: GOOD NEWS!

Movie after movie,  Meagan Good seemed destined never to shake the same persona:  flawlessly beautiful/sexy chick who rocks alot of doorknockers.  But…

 

Now Showing: WELL FED

Blacktress has exactly three weeks before she has to be naked on camera for the Indie Film, Open Mic Knight.   She thrusts herself into body beautification mode so intense one would swear her wedding day to the Prince of Wales is approaching.   Her first order of business is to track down all her vegan friends.   Ordinarily she finds them far too annoying to invite to dinner parties or share meals with.   But now that I’m watching my calories like Jennifer Hudson, this is the perfect time to catch up with those lunatics over lunch, she thinks.   When even thinking the words “catch-up” makes her crave a turkey burger and sweet potato fries, she realizes that she’s in for a long three weeks.”

 

Now Showing: THE DADDY DOCTRINE

THE DADDY DOCTRINE: Never accept a role if you’d rather die than have your father see the finished product.

Blacktress finds herself, sitting in CATZ studios, waiting for her turn to read for one of the leading roles in an indie film.

“I just got the audition notice this morning.  Haven’t even had time to read the script,” she leans over and admits to another auditioner, who looks exactly like her only a foot shorter.

“Me neither” her midget clone whispers back guiltily.

Nevertheless Blacktress is relaxed and stress free.  The girls share a smile.

 Same day auditions are the best, she thinks.  They give you no time to obsess about your choices or presumptuously spend the entire paycheck in your head.

Once in the room, Blacktress gets a good vibe from the cute writer/ Director.   Her attraction wanes once she notices his ridiculously tight jeans and decides he’s either very uncomfortable or has nuts the size of pomegranate seeds.  During her read she feels his eyes lingering over her body.   She’s unfazed.  He’s a director, of course he’s either horny or a wierdo.  Before the sun goes down, the horny/wierdo hyphenate calls to offer her the role.

 

NOW SHOWING: BLACKTRESS VS THE KNOCK-KNEED GIRL

   Blacktress never missed good sample or warehouse sale shopping.  It was a sport.  A hundred women darting around a maze of affordable designer shoes and clothes piled to the rafters.  May the best woman find the best buys, in the right size, and get them safely home.  It was beautiful.

Blacktress was already scoring major points.  She had found a few darling, little, vintage inspired sundresses and sky high, come hither pumps. (All of which would only set her back about 70 bucks) The knock-kneed girl had seen Blacktress fish the pumps out of the size ten pile, and was subtly chasing her around, hoping she’d fumble and put them down.  And Blacktress did put them and her guard down, (but just for a second), as she rummaged through her purse to find her buzzing cell phone.  And for a panic ridden moment the shoes seemed to disappear into the madness of the sprawling warehouse.

 

Now Showing: HOMESICK

“Stevie Wonder Black” refers to someone you can tell is Black even with your eyes closed.

Today, Blacktress finds herself walking onto a small studio lot with a self-assuredness that surprises her.  In the last year she’s booked the role of a Ugandan refugee, a depression era jazz singer, a teenage Crip girl, and is in serious contention for the role of Chantal, a pre-op tranny hooker.  Today, she’s up for a part far less challenging.

This breakdown reads like my bio, she thinks.  Piece of cake.

 

Now Showing: Blacktress Grows a Pair

Blacktress watches as her I-phone lights up and sings a digital blues riff.

“Hey Sam,” she says eagerly.

Her agent talks quickly as if Blacktress is a stenographer in need of a challenge.

“ Sotheywannaseeyouforthisthing. Saglowbuget.  Theroleof… Chantal.  A gorgeous pre-op tranny hooker.”

Is there even such a thing?  Blacktress wonders.

He goes on.

“The producer’s got a name.”

Blacktress rolls her eyes.  Don’t we all?

Sam powers on.

“They’vebeenlookingallover.  They’ve seen boys, girls, he/she’s, and shims.  Younameit.  Theycan’tfindit. Gogetit.”